Men bare all for the love investigator
Posted on Sat, Aug. 11, 2007
BY JILL BAUER email: jillbauer@worldnet.att.net
Barbara Seidenstein will appear at 8 p.m. Aug. 22 at
Books & Books, 265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables; 305-
442-4408.
In 1995 Barbara Seidenstein, a commercial real estate agent
living in St. Petersburg, set out to explore an altogether
different kind of hot property: men.
Smarting from two failed marriages, Seidenstein began
compiling a list of names of divorced, married and never
married men who would openly -- yet anonymously -- talk to
her about their relationships with women.
Armed with a tape recorder and a list of pointed questions,
Seidenstein spent the next six years traveling across the
country interviewing hundreds of men including Timothy Leary
(married four times) and Frank Darabont, director of the
Shawshank Redemption.
Seidenstein had originally planned to interview 1,000 men
but by the time she reached number 527 she had to stop.
''After listening to the angst of over 500 men, I had to
shelve it and decompress. Unless you're trained in
psychology to just put things aside after you're done, it's
very difficult,'' Seidenstein said.
Of course, there were some ground rules. Seidenstein, 59,
(taking on the pen name Barbara Silkstone) would use only
pseudonyms and all parties involved agreed they'd never
interact again. 527 Naked Men & One Woman: The Adventures of
a Love Investigator is part femoir, part Everything You Ever
Wanted to Know About Men but Were Afraid to Ask (and Afraid
to Know). We contacted Seidenstein (now living in Boca
Raton) to find out exactly what she learned. Herein lies the
naked truth.
Q:These men really opened up to you. How did you get them to
be so candid?
A: So many of them were perched to talk. J.R., one of my
divorced interviewees said, ''Men will talk to strange
women. They just find it strange to talk to familiar
women.'' I was someone they didn't have to fear in any way.
I wasn't going to judge them. Men will talk to a woman at
the bus stop but they sure won't talk to their wives. I was
the lady at the bus stop. At least a third of the men I
spoke with broke down and cried during the interview. Word
got out that I was a good listener and it's kind of funny
because my first husband would tell you that I didn't listen
at all.
Q:Tell us about the response you received from your
question, ``Would you die for the woman you love?''
A: Too few said they'd die for the woman they love. That was
very disappointing to me. About 97 percent said, ''No, are
you crazy?'' And 3 percent said they'd die for the woman
they love. Most said that's way too dramatic. They said they
still have goals and their wives don't. Most women I ask say
that if they're really in love with the man they'll do
anything to protect him. Most of the men I interviewed
consider their moves before they make them, they weigh
everything and everything has a value.
Q: What was your most unusual interview experience?
A: I had a chance to interview someone who had gone through
a sex change. During the interview I was getting almost
dizzy. I realized that we listen to men and women
differently. First he was talking to me from a man's
perspective and then he switched to Jackie, the female. It
was sad to listen to someone who felt she hadn't made the
right decision. Despite the fact that as a man he tried to
commit suicide she felt that she probably should have stayed
a man and stayed with her wife who she really loved.
Q: Did researching the book change the way you think about
men?
A: Definitely. I was surprised that guys were more affected
by things their mothers taught them than their fathers. I
think that guys have this thing, every woman they try to
pursue is their mom and they're either trying to please
their mothers or trying to see what they can get past them.
Also, I have friends who think guys want women to make a
home for them but most of the men I interviewed wanted an
equal, dynamic partner, a woman who knows what she wants and
someone he can be proud of.
Q:So, how's your love life these days? Anyone special?
A: I have ingested so much of this that I sort of have this
frog inside me that says ''bulls - - -.'' I feel like a
pinball machine. Ding, ding, is the ball going to get
through without getting stopped by one of those little red
flags? I guess a Doctors Without Borders-ACLU-Johnny Depp
kind of guy might get through.
About the Author: Barbara Silkstone is a free-spirited
freelance writer with a penchant for interviewing. She is the instigator of "Hen-Lit", creative non-fiction for women old enough to know better. A long time supporter of men, she is now re-evaluating her position and trying to keep her sense of humor.
